*Me addressing my mental health but not really addressing it*
*Me procrastinating on posting this because I am terrified of the response and making it real*
DISCLOSURE – PLEASE BE AWARE THAT I AM PUTTING MYSELF IN THE SPOTLIGHT. AS WELL AS THIS, I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. THIS POST CONTAINS THEMES OF SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ATTACKS.
Buckle your seatbelts, you are in for the ride of a lifetime. However, before we begin I want to talk about the purpose of this new series. This series will including me addressing the poor state of my mental health and also talking about what is happening and why it is happening. (On a complete side note, if you want to be part of this series email me at firstname.lastname@example.org).
Also, I haven’t decided on how this series will be split up, only that it will be a series not a single post but yolo.
I just want to say that I don’t know when I began to spiral out of control, all I know is that my mental health over the past 2-3 years has deteriorated significantly.
Mental health – A person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being
I don’t want to be that person that says they have depression without complete proof but I thought I would list some of the things I’m going through at the moment.
- Self harm
- Low energy levels
- Can’t sleep
- Feelings of despair for over half of a week
- Feeling down
- Hating myself
- Wanting to hurt myself
- Anxiety/Panic attacks
I think you get the idea.
The remainder of this post will be talking about my mental health and future parts of the series will address the impact it has had on my life.
*An excerpt of a post I wrote a while back but never published*
The darkness is pulling me in. I used to try to escape but what is the point anymore. My thoughts are the colour of death, black and bruised, hanging constantly over my mind. They are pressing down and begging to be heard. At the start I wouldn’t let them in but now I accept them with open arms. It is only right to accept your truth to vanquish the pain.
I was a mess and I still am. At school and with family I pretend to be happy. I am an actor, smiles all round. I slipped up two weeks ago and the questions poured in. Just yesterday my friend said “You seem happier.” If only that was the truth. Some days I get home and I only feel numb. Other days, I scream silently, hating myself, wanting to end it all.
There are three ways I self harm –
- Picking at the skin around my finger nails
- Deliberate bruising
I just want to clarify that right now that I am not suicidal.
Why do I self harm?
I self harm to save myself from myself. It helps me release all the tension inside me. Currently, I have two scars on my wrist, 5 cuts on my right ankle and bruising on my legs. My fingers are in a tender state so I tend to leave them alone. The urges are back more than ever and it takes a lot to restrain myself. By listening to music and writing, my urges are limited and I manage to get by.
I have had only two of these, however, they are the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. You feel a sense of impending doom as if no matter what you do something terrifying is going to happen. I felt nauseous, I was shaking, I was sensitive to sound and all of this was happening on a bus. I love my life!
Now, before any of you freak out and say that I need to get support (read the next post in the series for why I haven’t) I just want to let you know that by posting this I have put myself out there, open to criticism. I want to help raise awareness about this issue and the best way to do that is by spreading my own story. Also, basing of the response of this post will depend whether or not I delete it. I don’t want to hurt anyone any more than I hurt myself. Further, I will be okay, for as long as I am posting on this blog I will have a safe and open platform to release feelings I cannot in everyday life.
If you are feeling symptoms of depression or are suicidal feel free to email me (if you don’t feel safe talking to anyone else) or call a hotline.
Comment down below with any questions and comments.
I love you all and until next time,
Your stuffed up friend,