Cuts

i started 2019 by cutting

because im a hopeless girl

lost in the complexities

of the human world

 

 

hey guys. Trying not to cry right now. I promised myself 2019 would be a better year but yesterday I kept making people upset. I’m such a shitty person and I can’t do this anymore. I’m scared. So so so scared. The cuts on my wrists are stinging, a fresh reminder of the disaster that I am.

I hope you all started 2019 better than I did.

 

love you all,

your scared and desperate poet,

xx

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The End of a Year of Hell

Ahahahahahaha rip me.

Hey guys,

Bit of a different post today …

HAPPY END OF 2018 (about time tho)!

I thought that I would do a quick reflection of my blog this year and talk about my goals for it in 2019.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET THE END OF YEAR REVIEW BEGIN!

____________________________________________________________________________________________

The Beginning – 

On the 16th of January, I started my blog, with my first post getting a fricking 8 likes … wow much talent. Fortunately, things began to brighten up as the year progressed and, as of today I have 220 loyal followers (thanks guys <3).

My most popular post was ironically – Things that make me happy (https://thetaleofanunlikelywarrior.wordpress.com/2018/09/02/things-that-make-me-happy/ )

The Future –

  • Change the template of my blog to be more sophisticated/show more personality (prepare yourselves)
  • Aim to get to 300 followers by the end of next year
  • Post every Thursday next year (scheduled posts at 8:30 am Australian time)
  • Update the old stuff on my blog
  • Organise some potential collabs
  • Also aim to get more comments (cause I’m not doing well on that aspect … ripppppp)

____________________________________________________________________________________________

I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my poems, the good, the bad and the ugly. I love you all so much and struggling through life is so much easier when you guys are around. Trust me, your faith put me in a far better position than I would have been in. Thank you for being you!

On a less serious note … wow can’t wait for the midnight fireworks!!!! 🙂

 

love you all,

your tired and lonely poet,

xx

Me talking about my mental health pt 3

*dabs because at this low point in my life why not*

Hey kids,

I’m back and for the final part of this truly awkward but truthful series I give you …

The Effect My Mental Health has on my Social Life –

let the games begin.

Family – 

Family is tough when I’m feeling down. If I’m visibly upset my mum finds ways to get annoyed about it so I keep my feelings hidden. Generally, I stay in my room when I can, only emerging when I’m forced to. At the moment, socialising is not fun. Hiding my self-harm/scars is also excruciatingly hard. I’m always finding excuses to cover up my wrists and I always wear long pants (despite Australian summers being very hot). These motives often get questioned and the variety of excuses are beginning to fall short. Basically, when I’m around family I hide my feelings and try to move on with life until I am back in the peace of my room. One time (I can look back on this now and feel a little less pain), I was so upset by my actions, I went and hid in the bathroom, banging my head against the wall to relieve the tension. This act went unnoticed and five minutes later I resurfaced and became normal again.

Friends – 

ugh. This is where things get tough. Being in a school environment makes it hard to cover up my scars and I have started to run out of excuses for the new ones that turn up frequently. For now, my friends are buying my acts of desperation. At school I can be slightly lower profile and often stay silent for longer periods of time. Also, I am able to hide out in the school library for many of my lunch times pretending to ‘study’ whilst breaking down at the same time. It’s hard to cover things up when people ask me how I’m feeling and I’m getting increasingly faker towards my friends (something I promised myself would never happen again). The impact of my mental health on my social life is a huge one as I am drifting further away from those who would once consider me more of a friend than acquaintance. I find myself no longer wanting to hang out after school or on the weekends, leaving my friends feeling frustrated and unwanted. wow I’m a pretty shitty friend when you think about it :(. Though, to be honest, I’d rather stay away from my friends and stop myself from hurting them, then being closer and bringing them pain.

 

Overall, the effect my crippling mental health has had/ is having on my social life is extremely significant and has led to a decrease in me wanting to interact with people as well as a loss of some good friendships that I wish had not occurred.

wow I suck.

 

The End – 

This post brings an end to my series and despite it being tough to write, I have thoroughly enjoyed it and hope that you know more about me than when I started this series. There will be a post coming either tomorrow or the day after as a 2019 reflection so stay tuned!

Part 1 – https://thetaleofanunlikelywarrior.wordpress.com/2018/12/14/me-discussing-my-mental-health-pt-1/

Part 2 – https://thetaleofanunlikelywarrior.wordpress.com/2018/12/21/me-discussing-my-mental-health-pt-2/

 

love you all,

your lonesome poet,

xx

He rested his head on my shoulder

He rested his head on my shoulder,

Tears trickling down his chin,

‘Twas him who broke my heart,

It was but on a whim

 

hey guys. It’s that time again, where my creative juices have dried up and my poetry becomes pretty shitty. Fingers crossed I’ll get out some more decent poems before the end of the year. Also, if anyone feels like potentially collaborating on a short story (or long story) drop your email down below and I’ll add you to a google docs or something.

 

love you all,

your exceedingly crappy poet,

xx

Me discussing my mental health Pt 2

*clap clap mental health review**

Welcome to Part 2 of me being stuffed up. I am your host and this episode we will be talking about why I don’t talk about my prevalent issues to friends or family.

Family

I am a very closed off person and … well I don’t think my parents understand the term mental illness very well. Just the other day they said that they were ‘disgusted by anyone who self harmed’ (aha rip me then) and ‘couldn’t live with someone who felt wrong with themselves’ (completely and utterly rude)

I think as being from Gen Z I am a lot more aware of mental illness as the issue seems to be a lot more prevalent in our society.

I don’t want to talk to my parents about my issues.

  1. Because they won’t accept it (you can argue all you want but it’s the truth)
  2. I don’t want things to change/get awkward between us (what can I say?! I don’t like change)

Friends

As previously mentioned, my friends could tell when I started heading down-hill, after I didn’t talk much and ate less. Soon after, my relationships became more forced so I repressed my emotions and tried to head back to normal (I still have my moments). Two of my friends know I have panic attacks and I confessed my feelings to one of them a while ago. I made them promise to do nothing about it and pretended to get better. As well as this, I don’t feel strong enough to confide my true feelings to any of them. I’m not really a people person and would prefer to shoulder the burden on my own.

Conclusion

Overall, I think that part of the reason I don’t want to talk to anyone about my struggles is that I’m not strong enough and that I am petrified of change. I’m hoping that with time, I will get better on my own.

*drumroll*

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Thank for tuning into this weeks episode and stay aware for the next segment on how my mental health affects my social life.

 

once again,

love you all,

your messed up friend,

xx

‘She doesn’t try enough’

She doesn’t try enough,

She wastes all of her time,

Says she has no homework,

Her idleness is a crime.

 

She tries,

Maybe not as much as others,

But at least she tries,

Better than you being a poor excuse for a mother.

 

How can you say that she doesn’t try,

When you don’t see her practice,

You’re out all day,

And all night.

 

She slaves for you,

She struggles for you,

She burns and cries and wails for you,

Maybe you need to try harder.

 

 

Going through a lot right now and my mum isn’t helping. She keeps complaining about my sister getting above average but still ‘not good enough’ grades. She thinks that we are the same person and is away so much and is so unaware of what is going on in our lives. I wish I could say I only dislike her but I can think of a few stronger words than that.

love you all

xx

Me discussing my mental health Pt 1

*Me addressing my mental health but not really addressing it*

*Me procrastinating on posting this because I am terrified of the response and making it real*

DISCLOSURE – PLEASE BE AWARE THAT I AM PUTTING MYSELF IN THE SPOTLIGHT. AS WELL AS THIS, I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. THIS POST CONTAINS THEMES OF SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ATTACKS.

Buckle your seatbelts, you are in for the ride of a lifetime. However, before we begin I want to talk about the purpose of this new series. This series will including me addressing the poor state of my mental health and also talking about what is happening and why it is happening. (On a complete side note, if you want to be part of this series email me at bookaholic499@gmail.com).

Also, I haven’t decided on how this series will be split up, only that it will be a series not a single post but yolo.

—————————————————

Introduction

I just want to say that I don’t know when I began to spiral out of control, all I know is that my mental health over the past 2-3 years has deteriorated significantly.

Mental health – A person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being

I don’t want to be that person that says they have depression without complete proof but I thought I would list some of the things I’m going through at the moment.

  • Self harm
  • Low energy levels
  • Can’t sleep
  • Feelings of despair for over half of a week
  • Feeling down
  • Hating myself
  • Wanting to hurt myself
  • Anxiety/Panic attacks

I think you get the idea.

The remainder of this post will be talking about my mental health and future parts of the series will address the impact it has had on my life.

Feelings

*An excerpt of a post I wrote a while back but never published*

The darkness is pulling me in. I used to try to escape but what is the point anymore. My thoughts are the colour of death, black and bruised, hanging constantly over my mind. They are pressing down and begging to be heard. At the start I wouldn’t let them in but now I accept them with open arms. It is only right to accept your truth to vanquish the pain.

I was a mess and I still am. At school and with family I pretend to be happy. I am an actor, smiles all round. I slipped up two weeks ago and the questions poured in. Just yesterday my friend said “You seem happier.” If only that was the truth. Some days I get home and I only feel numb. Other days, I scream silently, hating myself, wanting to end it all.

Self harm

There are three ways I self harm –

  • Cutting
  • Picking at the skin around my finger nails
  • Deliberate bruising

I just want to clarify that right now that I am not suicidal.

Why do I self harm?

I self harm to save myself from myself. It helps me release all the tension inside me. Currently, I have two scars on my wrist, 5 cuts on my right ankle and bruising on my legs. My fingers are in a tender state so I tend to leave them alone. The urges are back more than ever and it takes a lot to restrain myself. By listening to music and writing, my urges are limited and I manage to get by.

Anxiety/Panic attacks 

I have had only two of these, however, they are the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. You feel a sense of impending doom as if no matter what you do something terrifying is going to happen. I felt nauseous, I was shaking, I was sensitive to sound and all of this was happening on a bus. I love my life!

Conclusion

Now, before any of you freak out and say that I need to get support (read the next post in the series for why I haven’t) I just want to let you know that by posting this I have put myself out there, open to criticism. I want to help raise awareness about this issue and the best way to do that is by spreading my own story. Also, basing of the response of this post will depend whether or not I delete it. I don’t want to hurt anyone any more than I hurt myself. Further, I will be okay, for as long as I am posting on this blog I will have a safe and open platform to release feelings I cannot in everyday life.

If you are feeling symptoms of depression or are suicidal feel free to email me (if you don’t feel safe talking to anyone else) or call a hotline.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

Comment down below with any questions and comments.

I love you all and until next time,

Your stuffed up friend,

xx