Where I’ve been and being honest

Fuck this is going to be hard.

 

I haven’t been honest with you guys because I’m terrified it will change your opinions of me, I’ll lose likes (I know it’s a material object) and all that crap but after being fake and losing all motivation to blog, it’s about time I come clean.

I have depression, I am depressed and I am fighting so many battles right now. I am not officially diagnosed (don’t @ me) but I’m pretty sure it’s depression when you can tick off all the symptoms and want to die.

I hate myself, I despise myself and everything I stand for and I am not okay. It is not fair for my to lie to myself. If I lose people due to this post so be it. I am fed up of being this happy person that doesn’t exist. Depression is and will always be an essence of me and it’s about time I deal with it.

Yes I will be deleting this post and write a less terrible and rambling one later but after reading some news articles and dealing with stigma and crap today and I am fed up with staying silent.

Remember, if you are feeling suicidal you are not alone and feel free to email me because I am going through the exact same thing and will always listen.

thanks,

your depressed poet,

xx

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Two line poem – Why love?

 

Why love,

When you can feel empty.

 

 

hiiiiiiiiiiii,

Relapsed yesterday (i guess), I had a full on panic attack for 1 hr and I felt so sick and terrible afterwards. My mental state is starting to decrease again and I’m scared. I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to push through.

p.s the other day it was my blogging anniversary so I will make a post about it soon! Thank you to everyone who has been following me from the start and to all the newcomers, I hope you will enjoy!

love you all,

you exhausted poet,

xx

I wish I could give my life

 

i wish I could give my life,

to someone who deserves it,

but it doesnt work that way,

life sucks but it is okay.

 

 

heyy feeling a bit more unstable at the moment. I couldn’t sleep last night, the voices were chattering in my head again. The cuts on my ankles are growing and I feel myself collapsing in on myself. But I am okay.

love you all,

you heavy burdened poet,

xx

Breakfast

Sometimes I skip breakfast,

It is better to feel pain,

Then to feel nothing at all.

 

heyyyyyyyy. Unfortunately, still in a rough place, a friend close to me is going through a lot of shitty stuff but won’t tell anyone the full story.  Putting a lot of pressure on everyone at the moment. A quick thought for her: May you stay strong and not forget how to fight. Thanks.

love you all,

your stressed poet,

xx

Cuts

i started 2019 by cutting

because im a hopeless girl

lost in the complexities

of the human world

 

 

hey guys. Trying not to cry right now. I promised myself 2019 would be a better year but yesterday I kept making people upset. I’m such a shitty person and I can’t do this anymore. I’m scared. So so so scared. The cuts on my wrists are stinging, a fresh reminder of the disaster that I am.

I hope you all started 2019 better than I did.

 

love you all,

your scared and desperate poet,

xx

Me talking about my mental health pt 3

*dabs because at this low point in my life why not*

Hey kids,

I’m back and for the final part of this truly awkward but truthful series I give you …

The Effect My Mental Health has on my Social Life –

let the games begin.

Family – 

Family is tough when I’m feeling down. If I’m visibly upset my mum finds ways to get annoyed about it so I keep my feelings hidden. Generally, I stay in my room when I can, only emerging when I’m forced to. At the moment, socialising is not fun. Hiding my self-harm/scars is also excruciatingly hard. I’m always finding excuses to cover up my wrists and I always wear long pants (despite Australian summers being very hot). These motives often get questioned and the variety of excuses are beginning to fall short. Basically, when I’m around family I hide my feelings and try to move on with life until I am back in the peace of my room. One time (I can look back on this now and feel a little less pain), I was so upset by my actions, I went and hid in the bathroom, banging my head against the wall to relieve the tension. This act went unnoticed and five minutes later I resurfaced and became normal again.

Friends – 

ugh. This is where things get tough. Being in a school environment makes it hard to cover up my scars and I have started to run out of excuses for the new ones that turn up frequently. For now, my friends are buying my acts of desperation. At school I can be slightly lower profile and often stay silent for longer periods of time. Also, I am able to hide out in the school library for many of my lunch times pretending to ‘study’ whilst breaking down at the same time. It’s hard to cover things up when people ask me how I’m feeling and I’m getting increasingly faker towards my friends (something I promised myself would never happen again). The impact of my mental health on my social life is a huge one as I am drifting further away from those who would once consider me more of a friend than acquaintance. I find myself no longer wanting to hang out after school or on the weekends, leaving my friends feeling frustrated and unwanted. wow I’m a pretty shitty friend when you think about it :(. Though, to be honest, I’d rather stay away from my friends and stop myself from hurting them, then being closer and bringing them pain.

 

Overall, the effect my crippling mental health has had/ is having on my social life is extremely significant and has led to a decrease in me wanting to interact with people as well as a loss of some good friendships that I wish had not occurred.

wow I suck.

 

The End – 

This post brings an end to my series and despite it being tough to write, I have thoroughly enjoyed it and hope that you know more about me than when I started this series. There will be a post coming either tomorrow or the day after as a 2019 reflection so stay tuned!

Part 1 – https://thetaleofanunlikelywarrior.wordpress.com/2018/12/14/me-discussing-my-mental-health-pt-1/

Part 2 – https://thetaleofanunlikelywarrior.wordpress.com/2018/12/21/me-discussing-my-mental-health-pt-2/

 

love you all,

your lonesome poet,

xx