Fairyfloss

she tasted like fairyfloss,

sweet at the start,

but overpowering in the end.

-Fairyfloss//TaleofanUnlikelyWarrior

 

heyyyyy. Quick update – feeling really great at the moment. Life is good.

love you all,

your joyful poet,

xx

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Harmony

My hands ran through her hair,

Her lips touched mine,

And we met in harmony

 

 

 

heyyy. Forgot to post the little summary with this. Ik it’s only been one day but I’ve promised myself to be better. Today I went for a 3 hour walk to mull things over and I think I can turn this year around.

love you all,

your semi joyful poet,

xx

Breakfast

Sometimes I skip breakfast,

It is better to feel pain,

Then to feel nothing at all.

 

heyyyyyyyy. Unfortunately, still in a rough place, a friend close to me is going through a lot of shitty stuff but won’t tell anyone the full story.  Putting a lot of pressure on everyone at the moment. A quick thought for her: May you stay strong and not forget how to fight. Thanks.

love you all,

your stressed poet,

xx

He rested his head on my shoulder

He rested his head on my shoulder,

Tears trickling down his chin,

‘Twas him who broke my heart,

It was but on a whim

 

hey guys. It’s that time again, where my creative juices have dried up and my poetry becomes pretty shitty. Fingers crossed I’ll get out some more decent poems before the end of the year. Also, if anyone feels like potentially collaborating on a short story (or long story) drop your email down below and I’ll add you to a google docs or something.

 

love you all,

your exceedingly crappy poet,

xx

Me discussing my mental health Pt 2

*clap clap mental health review**

Welcome to Part 2 of me being stuffed up. I am your host and this episode we will be talking about why I don’t talk about my prevalent issues to friends or family.

Family

I am a very closed off person and … well I don’t think my parents understand the term mental illness very well. Just the other day they said that they were ‘disgusted by anyone who self harmed’ (aha rip me then) and ‘couldn’t live with someone who felt wrong with themselves’ (completely and utterly rude)

I think as being from Gen Z I am a lot more aware of mental illness as the issue seems to be a lot more prevalent in our society.

I don’t want to talk to my parents about my issues.

  1. Because they won’t accept it (you can argue all you want but it’s the truth)
  2. I don’t want things to change/get awkward between us (what can I say?! I don’t like change)

Friends

As previously mentioned, my friends could tell when I started heading down-hill, after I didn’t talk much and ate less. Soon after, my relationships became more forced so I repressed my emotions and tried to head back to normal (I still have my moments). Two of my friends know I have panic attacks and I confessed my feelings to one of them a while ago. I made them promise to do nothing about it and pretended to get better. As well as this, I don’t feel strong enough to confide my true feelings to any of them. I’m not really a people person and would prefer to shoulder the burden on my own.

Conclusion

Overall, I think that part of the reason I don’t want to talk to anyone about my struggles is that I’m not strong enough and that I am petrified of change. I’m hoping that with time, I will get better on my own.

*drumroll*

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Thank for tuning into this weeks episode and stay aware for the next segment on how my mental health affects my social life.

 

once again,

love you all,

your messed up friend,

xx

‘She doesn’t try enough’

She doesn’t try enough,

She wastes all of her time,

Says she has no homework,

Her idleness is a crime.

 

She tries,

Maybe not as much as others,

But at least she tries,

Better than you being a poor excuse for a mother.

 

How can you say that she doesn’t try,

When you don’t see her practice,

You’re out all day,

And all night.

 

She slaves for you,

She struggles for you,

She burns and cries and wails for you,

Maybe you need to try harder.

 

 

Going through a lot right now and my mum isn’t helping. She keeps complaining about my sister getting above average but still ‘not good enough’ grades. She thinks that we are the same person and is away so much and is so unaware of what is going on in our lives. I wish I could say I only dislike her but I can think of a few stronger words than that.

love you all

xx

Me discussing my mental health Pt 1

*Me addressing my mental health but not really addressing it*

*Me procrastinating on posting this because I am terrified of the response and making it real*

DISCLOSURE – PLEASE BE AWARE THAT I AM PUTTING MYSELF IN THE SPOTLIGHT. AS WELL AS THIS, I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. THIS POST CONTAINS THEMES OF SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ATTACKS.

Buckle your seatbelts, you are in for the ride of a lifetime. However, before we begin I want to talk about the purpose of this new series. This series will including me addressing the poor state of my mental health and also talking about what is happening and why it is happening. (On a complete side note, if you want to be part of this series email me at bookaholic499@gmail.com).

Also, I haven’t decided on how this series will be split up, only that it will be a series not a single post but yolo.

—————————————————

Introduction

I just want to say that I don’t know when I began to spiral out of control, all I know is that my mental health over the past 2-3 years has deteriorated significantly.

Mental health – A person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being

I don’t want to be that person that says they have depression without complete proof but I thought I would list some of the things I’m going through at the moment.

  • Self harm
  • Low energy levels
  • Can’t sleep
  • Feelings of despair for over half of a week
  • Feeling down
  • Hating myself
  • Wanting to hurt myself
  • Anxiety/Panic attacks

I think you get the idea.

The remainder of this post will be talking about my mental health and future parts of the series will address the impact it has had on my life.

Feelings

*An excerpt of a post I wrote a while back but never published*

The darkness is pulling me in. I used to try to escape but what is the point anymore. My thoughts are the colour of death, black and bruised, hanging constantly over my mind. They are pressing down and begging to be heard. At the start I wouldn’t let them in but now I accept them with open arms. It is only right to accept your truth to vanquish the pain.

I was a mess and I still am. At school and with family I pretend to be happy. I am an actor, smiles all round. I slipped up two weeks ago and the questions poured in. Just yesterday my friend said “You seem happier.” If only that was the truth. Some days I get home and I only feel numb. Other days, I scream silently, hating myself, wanting to end it all.

Self harm

There are three ways I self harm –

  • Cutting
  • Picking at the skin around my finger nails
  • Deliberate bruising

I just want to clarify that right now that I am not suicidal.

Why do I self harm?

I self harm to save myself from myself. It helps me release all the tension inside me. Currently, I have two scars on my wrist, 5 cuts on my right ankle and bruising on my legs. My fingers are in a tender state so I tend to leave them alone. The urges are back more than ever and it takes a lot to restrain myself. By listening to music and writing, my urges are limited and I manage to get by.

Anxiety/Panic attacks 

I have had only two of these, however, they are the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. You feel a sense of impending doom as if no matter what you do something terrifying is going to happen. I felt nauseous, I was shaking, I was sensitive to sound and all of this was happening on a bus. I love my life!

Conclusion

Now, before any of you freak out and say that I need to get support (read the next post in the series for why I haven’t) I just want to let you know that by posting this I have put myself out there, open to criticism. I want to help raise awareness about this issue and the best way to do that is by spreading my own story. Also, basing of the response of this post will depend whether or not I delete it. I don’t want to hurt anyone any more than I hurt myself. Further, I will be okay, for as long as I am posting on this blog I will have a safe and open platform to release feelings I cannot in everyday life.

If you are feeling symptoms of depression or are suicidal feel free to email me (if you don’t feel safe talking to anyone else) or call a hotline.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

Comment down below with any questions and comments.

I love you all and until next time,

Your stuffed up friend,

xx