I wish I could give my life

 

i wish I could give my life,

to someone who deserves it,

but it doesnt work that way,

life sucks but it is okay.

 

 

heyy feeling a bit more unstable at the moment. I couldn’t sleep last night, the voices were chattering in my head again. The cuts on my ankles are growing and I feel myself collapsing in on myself. But I am okay.

love you all,

you heavy burdened poet,

xx

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Breakfast

Sometimes I skip breakfast,

It is better to feel pain,

Then to feel nothing at all.

 

heyyyyyyyy. Unfortunately, still in a rough place, a friend close to me is going through a lot of shitty stuff but won’t tell anyone the full story.  Putting a lot of pressure on everyone at the moment. A quick thought for her: May you stay strong and not forget how to fight. Thanks.

love you all,

your stressed poet,

xx

Cuts

i started 2019 by cutting

because im a hopeless girl

lost in the complexities

of the human world

 

 

hey guys. Trying not to cry right now. I promised myself 2019 would be a better year but yesterday I kept making people upset. I’m such a shitty person and I can’t do this anymore. I’m scared. So so so scared. The cuts on my wrists are stinging, a fresh reminder of the disaster that I am.

I hope you all started 2019 better than I did.

 

love you all,

your scared and desperate poet,

xx

Me talking about my mental health pt 3

*dabs because at this low point in my life why not*

Hey kids,

I’m back and for the final part of this truly awkward but truthful series I give you …

The Effect My Mental Health has on my Social Life –

let the games begin.

Family – 

Family is tough when I’m feeling down. If I’m visibly upset my mum finds ways to get annoyed about it so I keep my feelings hidden. Generally, I stay in my room when I can, only emerging when I’m forced to. At the moment, socialising is not fun. Hiding my self-harm/scars is also excruciatingly hard. I’m always finding excuses to cover up my wrists and I always wear long pants (despite Australian summers being very hot). These motives often get questioned and the variety of excuses are beginning to fall short. Basically, when I’m around family I hide my feelings and try to move on with life until I am back in the peace of my room. One time (I can look back on this now and feel a little less pain), I was so upset by my actions, I went and hid in the bathroom, banging my head against the wall to relieve the tension. This act went unnoticed and five minutes later I resurfaced and became normal again.

Friends – 

ugh. This is where things get tough. Being in a school environment makes it hard to cover up my scars and I have started to run out of excuses for the new ones that turn up frequently. For now, my friends are buying my acts of desperation. At school I can be slightly lower profile and often stay silent for longer periods of time. Also, I am able to hide out in the school library for many of my lunch times pretending to ‘study’ whilst breaking down at the same time. It’s hard to cover things up when people ask me how I’m feeling and I’m getting increasingly faker towards my friends (something I promised myself would never happen again). The impact of my mental health on my social life is a huge one as I am drifting further away from those who would once consider me more of a friend than acquaintance. I find myself no longer wanting to hang out after school or on the weekends, leaving my friends feeling frustrated and unwanted. wow I’m a pretty shitty friend when you think about it :(. Though, to be honest, I’d rather stay away from my friends and stop myself from hurting them, then being closer and bringing them pain.

 

Overall, the effect my crippling mental health has had/ is having on my social life is extremely significant and has led to a decrease in me wanting to interact with people as well as a loss of some good friendships that I wish had not occurred.

wow I suck.

 

The End – 

This post brings an end to my series and despite it being tough to write, I have thoroughly enjoyed it and hope that you know more about me than when I started this series. There will be a post coming either tomorrow or the day after as a 2019 reflection so stay tuned!

Part 1 – https://thetaleofanunlikelywarrior.wordpress.com/2018/12/14/me-discussing-my-mental-health-pt-1/

Part 2 – https://thetaleofanunlikelywarrior.wordpress.com/2018/12/21/me-discussing-my-mental-health-pt-2/

 

love you all,

your lonesome poet,

xx

Me discussing my mental health Pt 2

*clap clap mental health review**

Welcome to Part 2 of me being stuffed up. I am your host and this episode we will be talking about why I don’t talk about my prevalent issues to friends or family.

Family

I am a very closed off person and … well I don’t think my parents understand the term mental illness very well. Just the other day they said that they were ‘disgusted by anyone who self harmed’ (aha rip me then) and ‘couldn’t live with someone who felt wrong with themselves’ (completely and utterly rude)

I think as being from Gen Z I am a lot more aware of mental illness as the issue seems to be a lot more prevalent in our society.

I don’t want to talk to my parents about my issues.

  1. Because they won’t accept it (you can argue all you want but it’s the truth)
  2. I don’t want things to change/get awkward between us (what can I say?! I don’t like change)

Friends

As previously mentioned, my friends could tell when I started heading down-hill, after I didn’t talk much and ate less. Soon after, my relationships became more forced so I repressed my emotions and tried to head back to normal (I still have my moments). Two of my friends know I have panic attacks and I confessed my feelings to one of them a while ago. I made them promise to do nothing about it and pretended to get better. As well as this, I don’t feel strong enough to confide my true feelings to any of them. I’m not really a people person and would prefer to shoulder the burden on my own.

Conclusion

Overall, I think that part of the reason I don’t want to talk to anyone about my struggles is that I’m not strong enough and that I am petrified of change. I’m hoping that with time, I will get better on my own.

*drumroll*

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Thank for tuning into this weeks episode and stay aware for the next segment on how my mental health affects my social life.

 

once again,

love you all,

your messed up friend,

xx

Me discussing my mental health Pt 1

*Me addressing my mental health but not really addressing it*

*Me procrastinating on posting this because I am terrified of the response and making it real*

DISCLOSURE – PLEASE BE AWARE THAT I AM PUTTING MYSELF IN THE SPOTLIGHT. AS WELL AS THIS, I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. THIS POST CONTAINS THEMES OF SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ATTACKS.

Buckle your seatbelts, you are in for the ride of a lifetime. However, before we begin I want to talk about the purpose of this new series. This series will including me addressing the poor state of my mental health and also talking about what is happening and why it is happening. (On a complete side note, if you want to be part of this series email me at bookaholic499@gmail.com).

Also, I haven’t decided on how this series will be split up, only that it will be a series not a single post but yolo.

—————————————————

Introduction

I just want to say that I don’t know when I began to spiral out of control, all I know is that my mental health over the past 2-3 years has deteriorated significantly.

Mental health – A person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being

I don’t want to be that person that says they have depression without complete proof but I thought I would list some of the things I’m going through at the moment.

  • Self harm
  • Low energy levels
  • Can’t sleep
  • Feelings of despair for over half of a week
  • Feeling down
  • Hating myself
  • Wanting to hurt myself
  • Anxiety/Panic attacks

I think you get the idea.

The remainder of this post will be talking about my mental health and future parts of the series will address the impact it has had on my life.

Feelings

*An excerpt of a post I wrote a while back but never published*

The darkness is pulling me in. I used to try to escape but what is the point anymore. My thoughts are the colour of death, black and bruised, hanging constantly over my mind. They are pressing down and begging to be heard. At the start I wouldn’t let them in but now I accept them with open arms. It is only right to accept your truth to vanquish the pain.

I was a mess and I still am. At school and with family I pretend to be happy. I am an actor, smiles all round. I slipped up two weeks ago and the questions poured in. Just yesterday my friend said “You seem happier.” If only that was the truth. Some days I get home and I only feel numb. Other days, I scream silently, hating myself, wanting to end it all.

Self harm

There are three ways I self harm –

  • Cutting
  • Picking at the skin around my finger nails
  • Deliberate bruising

I just want to clarify that right now that I am not suicidal.

Why do I self harm?

I self harm to save myself from myself. It helps me release all the tension inside me. Currently, I have two scars on my wrist, 5 cuts on my right ankle and bruising on my legs. My fingers are in a tender state so I tend to leave them alone. The urges are back more than ever and it takes a lot to restrain myself. By listening to music and writing, my urges are limited and I manage to get by.

Anxiety/Panic attacks 

I have had only two of these, however, they are the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. You feel a sense of impending doom as if no matter what you do something terrifying is going to happen. I felt nauseous, I was shaking, I was sensitive to sound and all of this was happening on a bus. I love my life!

Conclusion

Now, before any of you freak out and say that I need to get support (read the next post in the series for why I haven’t) I just want to let you know that by posting this I have put myself out there, open to criticism. I want to help raise awareness about this issue and the best way to do that is by spreading my own story. Also, basing of the response of this post will depend whether or not I delete it. I don’t want to hurt anyone any more than I hurt myself. Further, I will be okay, for as long as I am posting on this blog I will have a safe and open platform to release feelings I cannot in everyday life.

If you are feeling symptoms of depression or are suicidal feel free to email me (if you don’t feel safe talking to anyone else) or call a hotline.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

Comment down below with any questions and comments.

I love you all and until next time,

Your stuffed up friend,

xx